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By whatever curses or blessings in disguise bestowed upon me, loneliness has encompassed my life for quite some time now. It's a curse because it makes me sad. But who knows? It might be a blessing to understand the pain behind being alone.

I like to smile and laugh at a lot of things but sometimes I wonder how much of it is legitimate and how much of it is forced. Of course, nobody could ever tell exactly how much of it is 'fake'... because even I can't tell either. I have learned that not many people enjoy being around lonely people - people that are sad. It's quite a tragedy really, the lonely become even more lonely because the sadness they exhibit out of loneliness pushes them further away from others. So for that reason, I smile. Of course, not all of it is fake - I do have my true moments of happiness.

So why do I feel lonely? It's a combination of things really, of things that I couldn't even describe. It's a feeling of not belonging or of being an outsider. Perhaps the biggest motivation yet hindrance behind my faith, I've had an interesting relationship with my sense of loneliness. It brings up critical spiritual reflections - if my faith is complete, perhaps I would not be as lonely and therefore I need to 'work' harder on my faith. Yet that same idea brings doubts into my heart - why do I feel lonely when God is supposed to be here all the time?

I don't know why I feel lonely so often and the pursuit of wanting to be loved and cared for has lead me into several difficult paths. It really, REALLY sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it. This pursuit is an internal drive, maybe designed to bring me closer to God. I try to end all my pessimistic thoughts with an optimistic conclusion (whether or not it's something I believe in). But honestly, when it comes to this issue of being lonely, I've got nothing.

I confess that I probably miss how my mom would have loved me more than I miss her. I know how much she loved me, I mean she literally gave up her life for me. I know Jesus did the same thing on a much 'greater' scale, but I can't bring myself to feel like I am in God's presence. I sing that He is my Father, savior and everything that I'll ever need in my life. But at this time (like many other times in the past) I feel as though there's something GREAT missing in my life... love.

Are we ever able to overcome our selfish HUMANLY desires? To be able to love others selflessly? I'm trying my best, I really am. But it's hard to give up on the fact that I'm also seeking to be loved. If I can truly hear God's calling or His voice telling me to live a life of loving others while not receiving anything in return, then that's what I'll do. But right now, I just really really really need to hear something.

Dear Mother

She was born November 10th, 1957. She died exactly 40 years later on November 10th, 1997.

I miss you mom!

Love

is...

a lot of things.

Aha!