If...

Happy little bluebirds fly over the rainbow.

Oh why?

Why can't I?



Truly longing for that place I heard once in a lullaby.

What I [Don't] Offer

Background

Whatever advice I may offer in the religious realms is usually of a logical nature. I can talk about my experiences, but never in a million years would I ever have the ability to relay a direct sense of faith.

In the lowest of my lows, I was often provided with lines of comfort such as "God is always with you" and "God loves you no matter what". They are very thoughtful, and I could not be more appreciative of such gentle gestures. However, they often fail to provide a sense of comfort that I can grasp. I enjoy the niceties of such statements but fail at being able to be comforted by them. Why? Because I often question how we can come to truly believe in these things we say; I often question whether or not I believe in the truths of what we say.

I, too, have offered these lines countless times without believing in them. I do not view this as a negative action, but perhaps as a necessary evil. Can I stand by and watch someone fall so far away from grace? By academic understanding and logical consistencies I believe that my faith is an extremely plausible path. However, I have not yet been blessed with sort of a revelation that would serve as my "leap of faith". Conclusively, I believe and I also do not believe.

I was asked a question, or I suppose it was more of a discussion, regarding the nature of God's love and how we can "feel" God's love. Because of this question, I was able to confess the truths of my faith. And I wish to share this confession with you, my non-existent readers, simply because I want to.

Conclusion

I am a selfish human being, like we all are. Furthermore, I am perhaps even a little more selfish than what our nature drives us to be. And so herein lies an interesting observation; I can still sometimes be nice. What drives me to these actions? I tell you honestly, I hold no second motives behind what I do. There's something that drives me to want to care about you and love you, but I'm not sure what it is. I can't put it into words and I'm not even sure how I could begin to describe myself in this aspect.

So I offer a little piece of proof in the existence of a higher being, a being who makes me want to love you and care about you no matter who you are (at least most of the time). I offer every one of my actions that is socially definable as "nice" as not of my own accord, but as the design of a godly being who placed it upon my heart to act that way. I will take no credit for my actions that may make positive reflections in your life but I will take all the blame in areas where I fail.


It sounds like I'm taking the easy way out, right? Saying that whatever good things I do is from God and that every bad thing is simply from my own selfish nature? But this is true. . . I have the Holy Spirit of my God inside of me seeking to guide my actions towards a righteous path all the while my close-yet-far-from-God nature of humanity seeking to wreck havoc and chaos (okay, a little exaggerated) in this world.

But yeah, if I care about you, it's because there's Someone that cares about you. Personally, I believe that Someone to be the God of my Christian faith. Whatever you believe this Someone, Something, etc to be that drives me to love you, the point to be said at the end of all this is that you are never alone.

New Year

It's going to be 2010 in about... 12 hours.

And my thoughts and totally empty so I predict that this post will be composed of rather elementary and basic thoughts. =P

I'm not really sure what to talk about here - resolutions and reflections? No use in discussing resolutions because I'm quite certain that I won't be upholding most of them. And I reflect all the time (probably a little too much), and therefore any further pondering would be unwarranted.

'Special' days and much-celebrated holidays hold little meaning in my life. Christmas is cool because all the lights are pretty to look at and Thanksgiving is nice because I get a few days off from school. But other than physical comforts provided these occasions, I often find myself being unable to relate to them. Don't get me wrong here, Easter, Christmas, and other HOLYdays are spiritually significant. But in relating to anything other than the spiritual significance of these events, my mind fails miserably. If anything, Christmas actually annoys me because I have to buy presents! Haha.

I don't know. <--- I say this a lot, actually. Just because I have a lot of moments where my thoughts fail to connect. My mind usually tends to construct a chain of thoughts that lead to a hopefully intelligent conclusion. So when a link is broken within this chain, something horrible happens - "I don't know".

I don't know, man. But I'm looking forward to tonight and tomorrow morning. I'm attending a New Year's service (didn't even know churches had these) and doing some volunteer work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to these because...

I don't know! Haha. But I want to do something that makes a difference. My sincerest apologies to my social life. But wait, how did I end up here? I think I need to start connecting my thoughts better. =X

Does The Sky Know?

God gives and He takes and it's supposed to make us stronger but I feel like our minds aren't able to comprehend the complexity of God's plans a lot of times. The complexity sort of resolves itself in that every time the world fails us and appears helpless, the hope we have in God and our beliefs become more apparent. But what if our eyes, our minds and our hearts become so oblivious to this 'truth' of God that we dwell in the worldly sorrows? Detachment grows and eventually develops into complete apathy; you lose love.

But... I like to love. I like to give and I want to help. I know... Well, I don't know for sure, but I truly believe that God would want me to pursue a life of giving and caring. But why does it sometimes feel like I'm fighting against fate? Why does it feel like I'm fighting God? Most people would tell me that maybe I'm not pursuing the right paths. But really, pursuit of happiness for others is something God wouldn't want? It's a battle to give up selfishness and be a person that loves genuinely. Because at every turn, the world's throwing crap to stop you from getting there; the obstacles and pressures get bigger and bigger.

Maybe I've grown bitter to feeling helpless (starving children? sad people? what shall we do?). It's quite a frightening thought actually, being bitter and apathetic I mean. I think it'd be the equivalent to walking through a wall of fire not knowing that my entire being is being disintegrated.

But I guess I am at least aware of the fact that I'm walking through fire; I know I'm not alright. The hardest part for me at the moment is trying to recognize what I need to do and to be able to follow God's will. I feel like God's trying to reach out to me by pointing me towards somewhere while I'm blindfolded and it's not possible for me to see what he wants. So I really hope that He tries calling out directions or something, haha.

P.S. Random title. :]

Untitled

By whatever curses or blessings in disguise bestowed upon me, loneliness has encompassed my life for quite some time now. It's a curse because it makes me sad. But who knows? It might be a blessing to understand the pain behind being alone.

I like to smile and laugh at a lot of things but sometimes I wonder how much of it is legitimate and how much of it is forced. Of course, nobody could ever tell exactly how much of it is 'fake'... because even I can't tell either. I have learned that not many people enjoy being around lonely people - people that are sad. It's quite a tragedy really, the lonely become even more lonely because the sadness they exhibit out of loneliness pushes them further away from others. So for that reason, I smile. Of course, not all of it is fake - I do have my true moments of happiness.

So why do I feel lonely? It's a combination of things really, of things that I couldn't even describe. It's a feeling of not belonging or of being an outsider. Perhaps the biggest motivation yet hindrance behind my faith, I've had an interesting relationship with my sense of loneliness. It brings up critical spiritual reflections - if my faith is complete, perhaps I would not be as lonely and therefore I need to 'work' harder on my faith. Yet that same idea brings doubts into my heart - why do I feel lonely when God is supposed to be here all the time?

I don't know why I feel lonely so often and the pursuit of wanting to be loved and cared for has lead me into several difficult paths. It really, REALLY sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it. This pursuit is an internal drive, maybe designed to bring me closer to God. I try to end all my pessimistic thoughts with an optimistic conclusion (whether or not it's something I believe in). But honestly, when it comes to this issue of being lonely, I've got nothing.

I confess that I probably miss how my mom would have loved me more than I miss her. I know how much she loved me, I mean she literally gave up her life for me. I know Jesus did the same thing on a much 'greater' scale, but I can't bring myself to feel like I am in God's presence. I sing that He is my Father, savior and everything that I'll ever need in my life. But at this time (like many other times in the past) I feel as though there's something GREAT missing in my life... love.

Are we ever able to overcome our selfish HUMANLY desires? To be able to love others selflessly? I'm trying my best, I really am. But it's hard to give up on the fact that I'm also seeking to be loved. If I can truly hear God's calling or His voice telling me to live a life of loving others while not receiving anything in return, then that's what I'll do. But right now, I just really really really need to hear something.

Dear Mother

She was born November 10th, 1957. She died exactly 40 years later on November 10th, 1997.

I miss you mom!

Love

is...

a lot of things.

Aha!