Losing My Childhood

So about half an hour or so ago I randomly began to miss my sister. Actually, I pretty much miss her a lot every minute of my life and it would just be unbearable to keep thinking about it. But as I learn from moments like these, sometimes there are thoughts and feelings that my mind simply cannot contain. The fortunate part of this sudden remembrance is that I never dwell in regrets of intangible dreams and foolish pursuits. Really though, sometimes I feel myself with a great desire to be able to live in my memories.

This is all rather quite frustrating. The inability to remember my past often leads to great guilt, anger and eventually a sense of loneliness. Don't get me wrong that because I'm writing about a darker side of my thoughts that I'm a sad emo person. :] See? It's a smiley face! I actually consider my perspectives to be pretty optimistic. For some reason I'm lead to believe that I'm not suffering from any repressions of memories or anything of that sort. I think this is just the way that God structured my brain to be.

So I've accepted that my memory just simply sucks, but that doesn't keep me from having all these feelings as a result of it. Seriously the emotions and thoughts of present moments easily overwhelm and overtake what little memories I can recollect. I try my best to think of my mom and the times I must have spent with her. But honestly, it's really difficult for me to come up with a particular situation, much less an image of her face. When it comes to my very good childhood friends (and I'm quite sure we would've all been best friends if I hadn't moved), I have a hard time coming up with their names even when I look at pictures. Even when I try to think about my sister and stuff, all I remember are some birthday or Christmas parties and nothing really sticks out to me.

Here's the thing, though. When I think about my mom or my sister, I can't remember anything but I really feel a longing to see them and be near them. When it comes to my old friends, I can't remember their names but I feel this great sense of bond with them as we must have played together and lost our childlike innocence. When I think about past moments, I really couldn't live in them even if I wanted to. Instead of memories, I am lead to my current emotions and thoughts. I guess I miss these things and think about them because I appreciate what they meant to me and what they continue to mean to me. I know that we're not to hold onto our pasts, but I truly believe that things of my past are what shaped me to be who I am today.

I really do appreciate the past, so I wish I could just remember more... But you know what? Maybe God knows how much time I would spend living in the past if I'm able to remember like 'normal' people. Maybe he just wants me to focus in the now and just embrace the way I feel, offering it all to him. I mean... I do believe that I desire God's presence from the bottom of my heart. It's a difficult journey, I think. There are just a lot of things... feelings, emotions and thoughts that come in between. Especially nights like these, the thoughts in my minds may not be the happiest or directed at Him. But in the end, I know that He'll guide me in the right direction. If my soul had a voice, I really think it would be crying out to God to captivate all of me. Just like this song. :]

Dooo doo dooo dooo doo.

What's not to love about you? Heaven and earth adore you! Kings and kingdoms bow down.. Son of God You are the One... YOU ARE THE ONE! We're living for..... boom boom boom. We will sing sing sing!

I honestly have no idea why I typed that out, it was just sort of stuck in my head. ahaha.

But yes, time for more blogging madness!

I got the random notion to write today because of an odd habit I began establishing. I watched an animation-drama type of a short movie a while ago, and in the movie there was a guy who had lost a very close child friend of his - he moves away and his friend has to stay. Now fast forward into the future about 10~12 years and he texts all of his thoughts to no one, but they are actually him 'talking' to his childhood friend. Kind of creepy? Perhaps. But my phone has a nifty 'Notes' feature which I have been using for the same purpose... Just kind of keeping track of random reflections. I date the thoughts and read it from time to time (mostly when I'm in the restroom ;]). It's really starting to build up, so I thought I should take a moment to really gather my thoughts.

I think I started writing it to myself.. kind of a diary thing. But I realize that a lot of times I'm 'talking' to myself or writing things like these, I might actually be talking to my mom. I think it really started at the funeral. The shock of it hadn't really hit me at all for a while since I was so young. But I think after a few hours I really began to understand what death meant, and it's.. one way-ness. I kind of went into a small room reserved for family members, put my hand up in the air and said "I'm gonna do my best mom". Rather dramatic for a little child, but hey! it's in my Korean blood ahaha. I think that was my way of praying to God. I probably had no idea I was saying at the moment, but I think the presence of God deep inside of me (from the seed that was planted through going to church with mom) helped me to know that it was going to be alright. Now why is this all relevant to how I started?!

Well, it's because a lot of the 'reflections' I wrote down in my phone aren't too happy. A lot of them are just flat out depressing and full of dramatic-ness. But instead of reflecting back on it and feeling pity for myself, this is what I feel; God never places more burdens in my life than I can handle. Everything He provides in my life shapes me as a person that He wants me to be; it gives me opportunities to grow. Maybe I wonder what would've happened to my life and where I would be if my mom was still alive and if my dad had never married that pathetic excuse of a human being (forgive me God). But I'm happy to have come this far in my faith. I'm blessed to have the church and just every single person in my life. Without 'burdens' or the hard times in my life, I would not be where I am today. I mean, sure there are a lot of things I can complain about my life now. But nothing could replace the love God has placed in my life.

So you know what?? I don't exactly know what everything in my life means. But I know that God leads my life in the best way possible, and that I have to trust in Him. I'm gonna let go of all the sadness and the hatred and whatever feelings I have inside me, and try and learn to trust God. Of course it's going to be hard.. I think we all try and fail from time to time. But I know that God is always there and that I can pray to him to keep me from falling apart.

I also realized something as I was writing this. I really really really blow at collecting my thoughts. I hope this made sense because I'd love to reflect back on this thing. Hahaha :]

And here's a song I wish I would have found a long time ago.



Thank you Jesus.
I miss you mom.