Losing My Childhood

So about half an hour or so ago I randomly began to miss my sister. Actually, I pretty much miss her a lot every minute of my life and it would just be unbearable to keep thinking about it. But as I learn from moments like these, sometimes there are thoughts and feelings that my mind simply cannot contain. The fortunate part of this sudden remembrance is that I never dwell in regrets of intangible dreams and foolish pursuits. Really though, sometimes I feel myself with a great desire to be able to live in my memories.

This is all rather quite frustrating. The inability to remember my past often leads to great guilt, anger and eventually a sense of loneliness. Don't get me wrong that because I'm writing about a darker side of my thoughts that I'm a sad emo person. :] See? It's a smiley face! I actually consider my perspectives to be pretty optimistic. For some reason I'm lead to believe that I'm not suffering from any repressions of memories or anything of that sort. I think this is just the way that God structured my brain to be.

So I've accepted that my memory just simply sucks, but that doesn't keep me from having all these feelings as a result of it. Seriously the emotions and thoughts of present moments easily overwhelm and overtake what little memories I can recollect. I try my best to think of my mom and the times I must have spent with her. But honestly, it's really difficult for me to come up with a particular situation, much less an image of her face. When it comes to my very good childhood friends (and I'm quite sure we would've all been best friends if I hadn't moved), I have a hard time coming up with their names even when I look at pictures. Even when I try to think about my sister and stuff, all I remember are some birthday or Christmas parties and nothing really sticks out to me.

Here's the thing, though. When I think about my mom or my sister, I can't remember anything but I really feel a longing to see them and be near them. When it comes to my old friends, I can't remember their names but I feel this great sense of bond with them as we must have played together and lost our childlike innocence. When I think about past moments, I really couldn't live in them even if I wanted to. Instead of memories, I am lead to my current emotions and thoughts. I guess I miss these things and think about them because I appreciate what they meant to me and what they continue to mean to me. I know that we're not to hold onto our pasts, but I truly believe that things of my past are what shaped me to be who I am today.

I really do appreciate the past, so I wish I could just remember more... But you know what? Maybe God knows how much time I would spend living in the past if I'm able to remember like 'normal' people. Maybe he just wants me to focus in the now and just embrace the way I feel, offering it all to him. I mean... I do believe that I desire God's presence from the bottom of my heart. It's a difficult journey, I think. There are just a lot of things... feelings, emotions and thoughts that come in between. Especially nights like these, the thoughts in my minds may not be the happiest or directed at Him. But in the end, I know that He'll guide me in the right direction. If my soul had a voice, I really think it would be crying out to God to captivate all of me. Just like this song. :]