New Year

It's going to be 2010 in about... 12 hours.

And my thoughts and totally empty so I predict that this post will be composed of rather elementary and basic thoughts. =P

I'm not really sure what to talk about here - resolutions and reflections? No use in discussing resolutions because I'm quite certain that I won't be upholding most of them. And I reflect all the time (probably a little too much), and therefore any further pondering would be unwarranted.

'Special' days and much-celebrated holidays hold little meaning in my life. Christmas is cool because all the lights are pretty to look at and Thanksgiving is nice because I get a few days off from school. But other than physical comforts provided these occasions, I often find myself being unable to relate to them. Don't get me wrong here, Easter, Christmas, and other HOLYdays are spiritually significant. But in relating to anything other than the spiritual significance of these events, my mind fails miserably. If anything, Christmas actually annoys me because I have to buy presents! Haha.

I don't know. <--- I say this a lot, actually. Just because I have a lot of moments where my thoughts fail to connect. My mind usually tends to construct a chain of thoughts that lead to a hopefully intelligent conclusion. So when a link is broken within this chain, something horrible happens - "I don't know".

I don't know, man. But I'm looking forward to tonight and tomorrow morning. I'm attending a New Year's service (didn't even know churches had these) and doing some volunteer work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to these because...

I don't know! Haha. But I want to do something that makes a difference. My sincerest apologies to my social life. But wait, how did I end up here? I think I need to start connecting my thoughts better. =X

Does The Sky Know?

God gives and He takes and it's supposed to make us stronger but I feel like our minds aren't able to comprehend the complexity of God's plans a lot of times. The complexity sort of resolves itself in that every time the world fails us and appears helpless, the hope we have in God and our beliefs become more apparent. But what if our eyes, our minds and our hearts become so oblivious to this 'truth' of God that we dwell in the worldly sorrows? Detachment grows and eventually develops into complete apathy; you lose love.

But... I like to love. I like to give and I want to help. I know... Well, I don't know for sure, but I truly believe that God would want me to pursue a life of giving and caring. But why does it sometimes feel like I'm fighting against fate? Why does it feel like I'm fighting God? Most people would tell me that maybe I'm not pursuing the right paths. But really, pursuit of happiness for others is something God wouldn't want? It's a battle to give up selfishness and be a person that loves genuinely. Because at every turn, the world's throwing crap to stop you from getting there; the obstacles and pressures get bigger and bigger.

Maybe I've grown bitter to feeling helpless (starving children? sad people? what shall we do?). It's quite a frightening thought actually, being bitter and apathetic I mean. I think it'd be the equivalent to walking through a wall of fire not knowing that my entire being is being disintegrated.

But I guess I am at least aware of the fact that I'm walking through fire; I know I'm not alright. The hardest part for me at the moment is trying to recognize what I need to do and to be able to follow God's will. I feel like God's trying to reach out to me by pointing me towards somewhere while I'm blindfolded and it's not possible for me to see what he wants. So I really hope that He tries calling out directions or something, haha.

P.S. Random title. :]