It's going to be 2010 in about... 12 hours.
And my thoughts and totally empty so I predict that this post will be composed of rather elementary and basic thoughts. =P
I'm not really sure what to talk about here - resolutions and reflections? No use in discussing resolutions because I'm quite certain that I won't be upholding most of them. And I reflect all the time (probably a little too much), and therefore any further pondering would be unwarranted.
'Special' days and much-celebrated holidays hold little meaning in my life. Christmas is cool because all the lights are pretty to look at and Thanksgiving is nice because I get a few days off from school. But other than physical comforts provided these occasions, I often find myself being unable to relate to them. Don't get me wrong here, Easter, Christmas, and other HOLYdays are spiritually significant. But in relating to anything other than the spiritual significance of these events, my mind fails miserably. If anything, Christmas actually annoys me because I have to buy presents! Haha.
I don't know. <--- I say this a lot, actually. Just because I have a lot of moments where my thoughts fail to connect. My mind usually tends to construct a chain of thoughts that lead to a hopefully intelligent conclusion. So when a link is broken within this chain, something horrible happens - "I don't know".
I don't know, man. But I'm looking forward to tonight and tomorrow morning. I'm attending a New Year's service (didn't even know churches had these) and doing some volunteer work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to these because...
I don't know! Haha. But I want to do something that makes a difference. My sincerest apologies to my social life. But wait, how did I end up here? I think I need to start connecting my thoughts better. =X
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Does The Sky Know?
God gives and He takes and it's supposed to make us stronger but I feel like our minds aren't able to comprehend the complexity of God's plans a lot of times. The complexity sort of resolves itself in that every time the world fails us and appears helpless, the hope we have in God and our beliefs become more apparent. But what if our eyes, our minds and our hearts become so oblivious to this 'truth' of God that we dwell in the worldly sorrows? Detachment grows and eventually develops into complete apathy; you lose love.
But... I like to love. I like to give and I want to help. I know... Well, I don't know for sure, but I truly believe that God would want me to pursue a life of giving and caring. But why does it sometimes feel like I'm fighting against fate? Why does it feel like I'm fighting God? Most people would tell me that maybe I'm not pursuing the right paths. But really, pursuit of happiness for others is something God wouldn't want? It's a battle to give up selfishness and be a person that loves genuinely. Because at every turn, the world's throwing crap to stop you from getting there; the obstacles and pressures get bigger and bigger.
Maybe I've grown bitter to feeling helpless (starving children? sad people? what shall we do?). It's quite a frightening thought actually, being bitter and apathetic I mean. I think it'd be the equivalent to walking through a wall of fire not knowing that my entire being is being disintegrated.
But I guess I am at least aware of the fact that I'm walking through fire; I know I'm not alright. The hardest part for me at the moment is trying to recognize what I need to do and to be able to follow God's will. I feel like God's trying to reach out to me by pointing me towards somewhere while I'm blindfolded and it's not possible for me to see what he wants. So I really hope that He tries calling out directions or something, haha.
P.S. Random title. :]
But... I like to love. I like to give and I want to help. I know... Well, I don't know for sure, but I truly believe that God would want me to pursue a life of giving and caring. But why does it sometimes feel like I'm fighting against fate? Why does it feel like I'm fighting God? Most people would tell me that maybe I'm not pursuing the right paths. But really, pursuit of happiness for others is something God wouldn't want? It's a battle to give up selfishness and be a person that loves genuinely. Because at every turn, the world's throwing crap to stop you from getting there; the obstacles and pressures get bigger and bigger.
Maybe I've grown bitter to feeling helpless (starving children? sad people? what shall we do?). It's quite a frightening thought actually, being bitter and apathetic I mean. I think it'd be the equivalent to walking through a wall of fire not knowing that my entire being is being disintegrated.
But I guess I am at least aware of the fact that I'm walking through fire; I know I'm not alright. The hardest part for me at the moment is trying to recognize what I need to do and to be able to follow God's will. I feel like God's trying to reach out to me by pointing me towards somewhere while I'm blindfolded and it's not possible for me to see what he wants. So I really hope that He tries calling out directions or something, haha.
P.S. Random title. :]
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Untitled
By whatever curses or blessings in disguise bestowed upon me, loneliness has encompassed my life for quite some time now. It's a curse because it makes me sad. But who knows? It might be a blessing to understand the pain behind being alone.
I like to smile and laugh at a lot of things but sometimes I wonder how much of it is legitimate and how much of it is forced. Of course, nobody could ever tell exactly how much of it is 'fake'... because even I can't tell either. I have learned that not many people enjoy being around lonely people - people that are sad. It's quite a tragedy really, the lonely become even more lonely because the sadness they exhibit out of loneliness pushes them further away from others. So for that reason, I smile. Of course, not all of it is fake - I do have my true moments of happiness.
So why do I feel lonely? It's a combination of things really, of things that I couldn't even describe. It's a feeling of not belonging or of being an outsider. Perhaps the biggest motivation yet hindrance behind my faith, I've had an interesting relationship with my sense of loneliness. It brings up critical spiritual reflections - if my faith is complete, perhaps I would not be as lonely and therefore I need to 'work' harder on my faith. Yet that same idea brings doubts into my heart - why do I feel lonely when God is supposed to be here all the time?
I don't know why I feel lonely so often and the pursuit of wanting to be loved and cared for has lead me into several difficult paths. It really, REALLY sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it. This pursuit is an internal drive, maybe designed to bring me closer to God. I try to end all my pessimistic thoughts with an optimistic conclusion (whether or not it's something I believe in). But honestly, when it comes to this issue of being lonely, I've got nothing.
I confess that I probably miss how my mom would have loved me more than I miss her. I know how much she loved me, I mean she literally gave up her life for me. I know Jesus did the same thing on a much 'greater' scale, but I can't bring myself to feel like I am in God's presence. I sing that He is my Father, savior and everything that I'll ever need in my life. But at this time (like many other times in the past) I feel as though there's something GREAT missing in my life... love.
Are we ever able to overcome our selfish HUMANLY desires? To be able to love others selflessly? I'm trying my best, I really am. But it's hard to give up on the fact that I'm also seeking to be loved. If I can truly hear God's calling or His voice telling me to live a life of loving others while not receiving anything in return, then that's what I'll do. But right now, I just really really really need to hear something.
I like to smile and laugh at a lot of things but sometimes I wonder how much of it is legitimate and how much of it is forced. Of course, nobody could ever tell exactly how much of it is 'fake'... because even I can't tell either. I have learned that not many people enjoy being around lonely people - people that are sad. It's quite a tragedy really, the lonely become even more lonely because the sadness they exhibit out of loneliness pushes them further away from others. So for that reason, I smile. Of course, not all of it is fake - I do have my true moments of happiness.
So why do I feel lonely? It's a combination of things really, of things that I couldn't even describe. It's a feeling of not belonging or of being an outsider. Perhaps the biggest motivation yet hindrance behind my faith, I've had an interesting relationship with my sense of loneliness. It brings up critical spiritual reflections - if my faith is complete, perhaps I would not be as lonely and therefore I need to 'work' harder on my faith. Yet that same idea brings doubts into my heart - why do I feel lonely when God is supposed to be here all the time?
I don't know why I feel lonely so often and the pursuit of wanting to be loved and cared for has lead me into several difficult paths. It really, REALLY sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it. This pursuit is an internal drive, maybe designed to bring me closer to God. I try to end all my pessimistic thoughts with an optimistic conclusion (whether or not it's something I believe in). But honestly, when it comes to this issue of being lonely, I've got nothing.
I confess that I probably miss how my mom would have loved me more than I miss her. I know how much she loved me, I mean she literally gave up her life for me. I know Jesus did the same thing on a much 'greater' scale, but I can't bring myself to feel like I am in God's presence. I sing that He is my Father, savior and everything that I'll ever need in my life. But at this time (like many other times in the past) I feel as though there's something GREAT missing in my life... love.
Are we ever able to overcome our selfish HUMANLY desires? To be able to love others selflessly? I'm trying my best, I really am. But it's hard to give up on the fact that I'm also seeking to be loved. If I can truly hear God's calling or His voice telling me to live a life of loving others while not receiving anything in return, then that's what I'll do. But right now, I just really really really need to hear something.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Dear Mother
She was born November 10th, 1957. She died exactly 40 years later on November 10th, 1997.
I miss you mom!
I miss you mom!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I'm 20! (Or I will be!)
What have I learned this year???
A lot of stuff! Reflections ftw.
1) I learned that I can only be happy when I lose myself in something.
2) I learned to turn to God instead of harboring anger when someone talks shit about me.
3) I learned that if someone talks shit about me, it might actually be because of the actions in my past - I learned to try and rise above my mistakes.
4) I found that I write when I'm happy and play games when I'm sad - the latter is a horrible coping method and I'll have to come up with a different idea.
5) The world sucks. Not necessarily in an emo/negative way. It's just in terms of Christian ideals... every corner is an obstacle you have to over come.
6) I learned that I might want to run away from the said obstacles in the form of going to live in Africa to preach or something.
7) I learned to love. I also learned how hard it is to truly continue loving. It's a beautiful picture and I think it's an image of sacrifice. Then again it may be rather ironic to refer to it as beautiful; it's an ugly picture when your mind is battling your heart.
8) I learned about my desires and how to hold them back. I think that's how it should go in all relations within my life... I'm called to give, not to take.
9) I learned to be honest. Not to spite someone by telling them they've failed, but because I love them and I want them to succeed in the future.
10) I learned to watch people.
11) I learned how much I hate being able to watch people - I see things I don't want to see.
12) I learned to try and stop myself from turning my back on God.
13) I learned that I've changed a lot.
14) I learned that I haven't changed at all.
15) I learned that in the end, God is the only one you can trust. It's sad, but nobody is to blame. We're all just human. We can try our best but we're not perfect.
16) I learned to appreciate the ones that do try their best.
17) I learned that I couldn't draw anything to save my life. Even my stick figures are fail!
18) I realized I should've taken this music stuff seriously before. Now I'm just too lazy.
19) I learned to mourn the loss of friendships. Maybe I've become too honest, but my heart's intentions are to speak in love.
20) I remembered the beauty of innocence.
21) I learned how easy it is to smile.
22) And how easy it is to fake it all the time.
23) 21 and 22 makes me sad, because then I imagine all the times that other people might fake their smiles when they're really crying inside.
24) I learned that although I complain about the world all the time, I love every single person in this world. If I am a child of God, then I believe that His love for the world was passed down to my heart too. I might not be as perfect as He is in loving, but I love the world.
25) I am reminded that my memory has not improved at all. I've learned a bazillion things this year, obviously. But I can't remember anymore!
Goals for this year:
1) I want to learn to love more. I want to learn to give without thinking. I want to pray for the world and stop thinking in selfish ways.
2) I want to regain hope in people. Maybe this is how bad God feels when we turn away... you're holding out your hand all the time yet nobody sees you.
3) Become more expressive about my optimistic thoughts. I'm actually a very semi-happy and optimistic person! It's just that writing about sad things are much more expressive :] Time to work on my happy vocabulary!
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear MEEEEEE
Happy birthday to me!
Yeah!
Or in like 3 hours at least.
Yee
A lot of stuff! Reflections ftw.
1) I learned that I can only be happy when I lose myself in something.
2) I learned to turn to God instead of harboring anger when someone talks shit about me.
3) I learned that if someone talks shit about me, it might actually be because of the actions in my past - I learned to try and rise above my mistakes.
4) I found that I write when I'm happy and play games when I'm sad - the latter is a horrible coping method and I'll have to come up with a different idea.
5) The world sucks. Not necessarily in an emo/negative way. It's just in terms of Christian ideals... every corner is an obstacle you have to over come.
6) I learned that I might want to run away from the said obstacles in the form of going to live in Africa to preach or something.
7) I learned to love. I also learned how hard it is to truly continue loving. It's a beautiful picture and I think it's an image of sacrifice. Then again it may be rather ironic to refer to it as beautiful; it's an ugly picture when your mind is battling your heart.
8) I learned about my desires and how to hold them back. I think that's how it should go in all relations within my life... I'm called to give, not to take.
9) I learned to be honest. Not to spite someone by telling them they've failed, but because I love them and I want them to succeed in the future.
10) I learned to watch people.
11) I learned how much I hate being able to watch people - I see things I don't want to see.
12) I learned to try and stop myself from turning my back on God.
13) I learned that I've changed a lot.
14) I learned that I haven't changed at all.
15) I learned that in the end, God is the only one you can trust. It's sad, but nobody is to blame. We're all just human. We can try our best but we're not perfect.
16) I learned to appreciate the ones that do try their best.
17) I learned that I couldn't draw anything to save my life. Even my stick figures are fail!
18) I realized I should've taken this music stuff seriously before. Now I'm just too lazy.
19) I learned to mourn the loss of friendships. Maybe I've become too honest, but my heart's intentions are to speak in love.
20) I remembered the beauty of innocence.
21) I learned how easy it is to smile.
22) And how easy it is to fake it all the time.
23) 21 and 22 makes me sad, because then I imagine all the times that other people might fake their smiles when they're really crying inside.
24) I learned that although I complain about the world all the time, I love every single person in this world. If I am a child of God, then I believe that His love for the world was passed down to my heart too. I might not be as perfect as He is in loving, but I love the world.
25) I am reminded that my memory has not improved at all. I've learned a bazillion things this year, obviously. But I can't remember anymore!
Goals for this year:
1) I want to learn to love more. I want to learn to give without thinking. I want to pray for the world and stop thinking in selfish ways.
2) I want to regain hope in people. Maybe this is how bad God feels when we turn away... you're holding out your hand all the time yet nobody sees you.
3) Become more expressive about my optimistic thoughts. I'm actually a very semi-happy and optimistic person! It's just that writing about sad things are much more expressive :] Time to work on my happy vocabulary!
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear MEEEEEE
Happy birthday to me!
Yeah!
Or in like 3 hours at least.
Yee
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Losing My Childhood
So about half an hour or so ago I randomly began to miss my sister. Actually, I pretty much miss her a lot every minute of my life and it would just be unbearable to keep thinking about it. But as I learn from moments like these, sometimes there are thoughts and feelings that my mind simply cannot contain. The fortunate part of this sudden remembrance is that I never dwell in regrets of intangible dreams and foolish pursuits. Really though, sometimes I feel myself with a great desire to be able to live in my memories.
This is all rather quite frustrating. The inability to remember my past often leads to great guilt, anger and eventually a sense of loneliness. Don't get me wrong that because I'm writing about a darker side of my thoughts that I'm a sad emo person. :] See? It's a smiley face! I actually consider my perspectives to be pretty optimistic. For some reason I'm lead to believe that I'm not suffering from any repressions of memories or anything of that sort. I think this is just the way that God structured my brain to be.
So I've accepted that my memory just simply sucks, but that doesn't keep me from having all these feelings as a result of it. Seriously the emotions and thoughts of present moments easily overwhelm and overtake what little memories I can recollect. I try my best to think of my mom and the times I must have spent with her. But honestly, it's really difficult for me to come up with a particular situation, much less an image of her face. When it comes to my very good childhood friends (and I'm quite sure we would've all been best friends if I hadn't moved), I have a hard time coming up with their names even when I look at pictures. Even when I try to think about my sister and stuff, all I remember are some birthday or Christmas parties and nothing really sticks out to me.
Here's the thing, though. When I think about my mom or my sister, I can't remember anything but I really feel a longing to see them and be near them. When it comes to my old friends, I can't remember their names but I feel this great sense of bond with them as we must have played together and lost our childlike innocence. When I think about past moments, I really couldn't live in them even if I wanted to. Instead of memories, I am lead to my current emotions and thoughts. I guess I miss these things and think about them because I appreciate what they meant to me and what they continue to mean to me. I know that we're not to hold onto our pasts, but I truly believe that things of my past are what shaped me to be who I am today.
I really do appreciate the past, so I wish I could just remember more... But you know what? Maybe God knows how much time I would spend living in the past if I'm able to remember like 'normal' people. Maybe he just wants me to focus in the now and just embrace the way I feel, offering it all to him. I mean... I do believe that I desire God's presence from the bottom of my heart. It's a difficult journey, I think. There are just a lot of things... feelings, emotions and thoughts that come in between. Especially nights like these, the thoughts in my minds may not be the happiest or directed at Him. But in the end, I know that He'll guide me in the right direction. If my soul had a voice, I really think it would be crying out to God to captivate all of me. Just like this song. :]
This is all rather quite frustrating. The inability to remember my past often leads to great guilt, anger and eventually a sense of loneliness. Don't get me wrong that because I'm writing about a darker side of my thoughts that I'm a sad emo person. :] See? It's a smiley face! I actually consider my perspectives to be pretty optimistic. For some reason I'm lead to believe that I'm not suffering from any repressions of memories or anything of that sort. I think this is just the way that God structured my brain to be.
So I've accepted that my memory just simply sucks, but that doesn't keep me from having all these feelings as a result of it. Seriously the emotions and thoughts of present moments easily overwhelm and overtake what little memories I can recollect. I try my best to think of my mom and the times I must have spent with her. But honestly, it's really difficult for me to come up with a particular situation, much less an image of her face. When it comes to my very good childhood friends (and I'm quite sure we would've all been best friends if I hadn't moved), I have a hard time coming up with their names even when I look at pictures. Even when I try to think about my sister and stuff, all I remember are some birthday or Christmas parties and nothing really sticks out to me.
Here's the thing, though. When I think about my mom or my sister, I can't remember anything but I really feel a longing to see them and be near them. When it comes to my old friends, I can't remember their names but I feel this great sense of bond with them as we must have played together and lost our childlike innocence. When I think about past moments, I really couldn't live in them even if I wanted to. Instead of memories, I am lead to my current emotions and thoughts. I guess I miss these things and think about them because I appreciate what they meant to me and what they continue to mean to me. I know that we're not to hold onto our pasts, but I truly believe that things of my past are what shaped me to be who I am today.
I really do appreciate the past, so I wish I could just remember more... But you know what? Maybe God knows how much time I would spend living in the past if I'm able to remember like 'normal' people. Maybe he just wants me to focus in the now and just embrace the way I feel, offering it all to him. I mean... I do believe that I desire God's presence from the bottom of my heart. It's a difficult journey, I think. There are just a lot of things... feelings, emotions and thoughts that come in between. Especially nights like these, the thoughts in my minds may not be the happiest or directed at Him. But in the end, I know that He'll guide me in the right direction. If my soul had a voice, I really think it would be crying out to God to captivate all of me. Just like this song. :]
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Dooo doo dooo dooo doo.
What's not to love about you? Heaven and earth adore you! Kings and kingdoms bow down.. Son of God You are the One... YOU ARE THE ONE! We're living for..... boom boom boom. We will sing sing sing!
I honestly have no idea why I typed that out, it was just sort of stuck in my head. ahaha.
But yes, time for more blogging madness!
I got the random notion to write today because of an odd habit I began establishing. I watched an animation-drama type of a short movie a while ago, and in the movie there was a guy who had lost a very close child friend of his - he moves away and his friend has to stay. Now fast forward into the future about 10~12 years and he texts all of his thoughts to no one, but they are actually him 'talking' to his childhood friend. Kind of creepy? Perhaps. But my phone has a nifty 'Notes' feature which I have been using for the same purpose... Just kind of keeping track of random reflections. I date the thoughts and read it from time to time (mostly when I'm in the restroom ;]). It's really starting to build up, so I thought I should take a moment to really gather my thoughts.
I think I started writing it to myself.. kind of a diary thing. But I realize that a lot of times I'm 'talking' to myself or writing things like these, I might actually be talking to my mom. I think it really started at the funeral. The shock of it hadn't really hit me at all for a while since I was so young. But I think after a few hours I really began to understand what death meant, and it's.. one way-ness. I kind of went into a small room reserved for family members, put my hand up in the air and said "I'm gonna do my best mom". Rather dramatic for a little child, but hey! it's in my Korean blood ahaha. I think that was my way of praying to God. I probably had no idea I was saying at the moment, but I think the presence of God deep inside of me (from the seed that was planted through going to church with mom) helped me to know that it was going to be alright. Now why is this all relevant to how I started?!
Well, it's because a lot of the 'reflections' I wrote down in my phone aren't too happy. A lot of them are just flat out depressing and full of dramatic-ness. But instead of reflecting back on it and feeling pity for myself, this is what I feel; God never places more burdens in my life than I can handle. Everything He provides in my life shapes me as a person that He wants me to be; it gives me opportunities to grow. Maybe I wonder what would've happened to my life and where I would be if my mom was still alive and if my dad had never married that pathetic excuse of a human being (forgive me God). But I'm happy to have come this far in my faith. I'm blessed to have the church and just every single person in my life. Without 'burdens' or the hard times in my life, I would not be where I am today. I mean, sure there are a lot of things I can complain about my life now. But nothing could replace the love God has placed in my life.
So you know what?? I don't exactly know what everything in my life means. But I know that God leads my life in the best way possible, and that I have to trust in Him. I'm gonna let go of all the sadness and the hatred and whatever feelings I have inside me, and try and learn to trust God. Of course it's going to be hard.. I think we all try and fail from time to time. But I know that God is always there and that I can pray to him to keep me from falling apart.
I also realized something as I was writing this. I really really really blow at collecting my thoughts. I hope this made sense because I'd love to reflect back on this thing. Hahaha :]
And here's a song I wish I would have found a long time ago.
Thank you Jesus.
I miss you mom.
I honestly have no idea why I typed that out, it was just sort of stuck in my head. ahaha.
But yes, time for more blogging madness!
I got the random notion to write today because of an odd habit I began establishing. I watched an animation-drama type of a short movie a while ago, and in the movie there was a guy who had lost a very close child friend of his - he moves away and his friend has to stay. Now fast forward into the future about 10~12 years and he texts all of his thoughts to no one, but they are actually him 'talking' to his childhood friend. Kind of creepy? Perhaps. But my phone has a nifty 'Notes' feature which I have been using for the same purpose... Just kind of keeping track of random reflections. I date the thoughts and read it from time to time (mostly when I'm in the restroom ;]). It's really starting to build up, so I thought I should take a moment to really gather my thoughts.
I think I started writing it to myself.. kind of a diary thing. But I realize that a lot of times I'm 'talking' to myself or writing things like these, I might actually be talking to my mom. I think it really started at the funeral. The shock of it hadn't really hit me at all for a while since I was so young. But I think after a few hours I really began to understand what death meant, and it's.. one way-ness. I kind of went into a small room reserved for family members, put my hand up in the air and said "I'm gonna do my best mom". Rather dramatic for a little child, but hey! it's in my Korean blood ahaha. I think that was my way of praying to God. I probably had no idea I was saying at the moment, but I think the presence of God deep inside of me (from the seed that was planted through going to church with mom) helped me to know that it was going to be alright. Now why is this all relevant to how I started?!
Well, it's because a lot of the 'reflections' I wrote down in my phone aren't too happy. A lot of them are just flat out depressing and full of dramatic-ness. But instead of reflecting back on it and feeling pity for myself, this is what I feel; God never places more burdens in my life than I can handle. Everything He provides in my life shapes me as a person that He wants me to be; it gives me opportunities to grow. Maybe I wonder what would've happened to my life and where I would be if my mom was still alive and if my dad had never married that pathetic excuse of a human being (forgive me God). But I'm happy to have come this far in my faith. I'm blessed to have the church and just every single person in my life. Without 'burdens' or the hard times in my life, I would not be where I am today. I mean, sure there are a lot of things I can complain about my life now. But nothing could replace the love God has placed in my life.
So you know what?? I don't exactly know what everything in my life means. But I know that God leads my life in the best way possible, and that I have to trust in Him. I'm gonna let go of all the sadness and the hatred and whatever feelings I have inside me, and try and learn to trust God. Of course it's going to be hard.. I think we all try and fail from time to time. But I know that God is always there and that I can pray to him to keep me from falling apart.
I also realized something as I was writing this. I really really really blow at collecting my thoughts. I hope this made sense because I'd love to reflect back on this thing. Hahaha :]
And here's a song I wish I would have found a long time ago.
Thank you Jesus.
I miss you mom.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Song + Random Musings
It's amazing to see the gifts that God has given to us being used to praise him. This isn't like Chris Tomlin or anything, but it touches my heart to see everyday 'ordinary' people putting in so much effort and heart into proclaiming the greatness of our God.
I got this song from a friend of mine, Angela. I've known her for a few years and I'm quite thankful for her friendship. She actually comes to me for advice (gasp) and actually tries to listen to what I have to say, even though I don't always say the nicest things.
I have been able to tell things off to people in a pretty straightforward manner lately, and I'm sure that I may have offended some people. I do these things with the best intentions and as 'nicely' as I can, but I suppose I could try a little harder. I just pray that people wouldn't see it as arrogance, as I have MANY flaws to point out when it comes to myself as well. Sometimes... Well, a lot of times actually, I do get frustrated with a lot of people in various situations. It's actually more of a sadness than a frustration. Sometimes I feel like there isn't much more I can do to help them and I'm standing there feeling extremely helpless.
But I guess God wants me to be reminded that I cannot do anything by my own power and will. I have to continue praying to Him and let Him speak through me the words of wisdom. I have to realize not everything is done on my own accord, and I pray that God will be the one guiding my actions. YEEEEE
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Jesus, Remember Me.
"Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." (Luke 24:42~43)
Guess what I was doing at church on Sunday? I was going over the stories about Jesus' crucifixion and the events that occurred with the two criminals that were crucified with him. Now don't get me wrong because I do pay attention! It's just that sometimes, having a little side distraction actually helps me to listen.
Anyways, allow me to return to my original points :] These recounts regarding the two thieves, including the one in Luke, bring about many questions, doubts and even surprises. So let me begin with the questions, which will actually be linked to some of the 'doubts'. The biggest and most important question, is whether or not we can be saved through a quick statement of repentance moments before we leave our material world. Now this also brings up a heavy round of doubts - To what purpose are we leading these 'Christian' lives, if we are promised an eternal life in paradise simply by repenting at our very last moments?
This has been answered for me, and I'm sure for many others as well. I found the connection in a song (worship is amazing) and these are the lyrics.
Come, Now Is the Time to Worship - Various Artists
One day every tongue will confess You are God
One day every knee will bow
Still, the greatest treasure remains for those
Who glady choose You now
I'm sure the words in this song sum it up quite well, but the purpose to which we lead our these Christian lives is to experience the full extent of God's blessings that he bestows onto our lives everyday. I try to imagine the lives these criminals must have lived as thieves and as outcasts of society - the loneliness of their physical senses and the loneliness of their souls. The comfort that he has been seeking all of his life, a paradise, is only found moments before his dying breath through Christ the Lord. For me, this scene paints an amazing picture that are beyond words. glory, love, mercy, power and grace.
So... What exactly is the surprise? Well, it's not exactly that big of a surprise, but it's rather a small point that I came across. I noticed that the repenting thief says to remember him when "you come into your kingdom". This paints a different picture than what my thoughts used to portray. We have the image of Jesus leaving our world, proceeding to become the right hand of God. Yet the thief asks Jesus to remember him when He comes into His kingdom. There is a contradiction of what is actually occurring (Jesus leaving) and what will happen thereafter (Jesus coming). I mean, this is what I've been reminded of at church and by Ken. The Kingdom of Jesus the Lord is here, and it is coming here.
The kingdom is being built as we speak, through the course of our actions. Can we gain entrance to the kingdom when our King returns? I have no doubt that we will. But I don't understand why I would want to miss out on this great journey, this great period of preparation, that is happening to await the return of our King. The least I could do for the One who gave His life for me is to do what I was told. And it's not even that I was told to do bad things! I've been told to become alike in my actions as the greatest One!
Jesus, through his life and death, has given me all the ways and reasons I would require to live a Christian life. Following Him to become like Him is difficult, but also simple. We have to stop looking at what's bad and start looking at what's good. Go ahead and take that sip of alcohol which may not be all that bad. But is it really a good thing? And for God's sake, and I mean do mean for God's sake, as we are to be the living embodiments of His image, let's try not to do stupid things. It's like the Lakers fans that became a riot because of the championship. How does the world now perceive most Lakers fans? How will people view the Lakers team?
All of the questions, doubts and surprises that came from this passage lead me to a rather simplistic conclusion. It's an idea that we should all already know, though. The way we live our lives matter, to a greater extent that we want to believe. It's pretty difficult though, to go against what may seem natural to our senses. So I pray for a peace of mind that will help me to make my choices. I know that when I fail, I will be forgiven. But how many times must I continue to disappoint Him? I want to be like Him and help others do the same. Jesus, remember me when you come into Your kingdom. Jesus, speak to me the truth of your words.
Guess what I was doing at church on Sunday? I was going over the stories about Jesus' crucifixion and the events that occurred with the two criminals that were crucified with him. Now don't get me wrong because I do pay attention! It's just that sometimes, having a little side distraction actually helps me to listen.
Anyways, allow me to return to my original points :] These recounts regarding the two thieves, including the one in Luke, bring about many questions, doubts and even surprises. So let me begin with the questions, which will actually be linked to some of the 'doubts'. The biggest and most important question, is whether or not we can be saved through a quick statement of repentance moments before we leave our material world. Now this also brings up a heavy round of doubts - To what purpose are we leading these 'Christian' lives, if we are promised an eternal life in paradise simply by repenting at our very last moments?
This has been answered for me, and I'm sure for many others as well. I found the connection in a song (worship is amazing) and these are the lyrics.
Come, Now Is the Time to Worship - Various Artists
One day every tongue will confess You are God
One day every knee will bow
Still, the greatest treasure remains for those
Who glady choose You now
I'm sure the words in this song sum it up quite well, but the purpose to which we lead our these Christian lives is to experience the full extent of God's blessings that he bestows onto our lives everyday. I try to imagine the lives these criminals must have lived as thieves and as outcasts of society - the loneliness of their physical senses and the loneliness of their souls. The comfort that he has been seeking all of his life, a paradise, is only found moments before his dying breath through Christ the Lord. For me, this scene paints an amazing picture that are beyond words. glory, love, mercy, power and grace.
So... What exactly is the surprise? Well, it's not exactly that big of a surprise, but it's rather a small point that I came across. I noticed that the repenting thief says to remember him when "you come into your kingdom". This paints a different picture than what my thoughts used to portray. We have the image of Jesus leaving our world, proceeding to become the right hand of God. Yet the thief asks Jesus to remember him when He comes into His kingdom. There is a contradiction of what is actually occurring (Jesus leaving) and what will happen thereafter (Jesus coming). I mean, this is what I've been reminded of at church and by Ken. The Kingdom of Jesus the Lord is here, and it is coming here.
The kingdom is being built as we speak, through the course of our actions. Can we gain entrance to the kingdom when our King returns? I have no doubt that we will. But I don't understand why I would want to miss out on this great journey, this great period of preparation, that is happening to await the return of our King. The least I could do for the One who gave His life for me is to do what I was told. And it's not even that I was told to do bad things! I've been told to become alike in my actions as the greatest One!
Jesus, through his life and death, has given me all the ways and reasons I would require to live a Christian life. Following Him to become like Him is difficult, but also simple. We have to stop looking at what's bad and start looking at what's good. Go ahead and take that sip of alcohol which may not be all that bad. But is it really a good thing? And for God's sake, and I mean do mean for God's sake, as we are to be the living embodiments of His image, let's try not to do stupid things. It's like the Lakers fans that became a riot because of the championship. How does the world now perceive most Lakers fans? How will people view the Lakers team?
All of the questions, doubts and surprises that came from this passage lead me to a rather simplistic conclusion. It's an idea that we should all already know, though. The way we live our lives matter, to a greater extent that we want to believe. It's pretty difficult though, to go against what may seem natural to our senses. So I pray for a peace of mind that will help me to make my choices. I know that when I fail, I will be forgiven. But how many times must I continue to disappoint Him? I want to be like Him and help others do the same. Jesus, remember me when you come into Your kingdom. Jesus, speak to me the truth of your words.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
"No one becomes perfect, but some become great.."
The following was actually written quite a while ago. I think this is a good place for me to start while thinking about what I'm trying to do with this blog. I am, by no means whatsoever, an egotistical Christian who's going to tell you what's good and what's not. I am, quite simply, an imperfect child trying to make my way to the Father.
Psalm 143:2 "Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you."
Everybody wants to be perfect right?! But what' so good about being perfect..? It's actually sad if you think about it. I think a lot of people drive themselves to be perfect at something that they do, but after putting a bit of thought into it you realize that you're reaching for something that you will never achieve. Depressing, I know! And even the Bible tells us that we are not perfect. =[[
But the fact that we live for the impossible actually isn't all that depressing. Perfection is perceived as supposedly impossible but let's assume that it is possible! Yay! Perfection leaves no room for improvement, not a single chance of forward motion. I mean where do you go from that? Imagine being a 'perfect' musician. You make platinum albums one after another. But nothing has really changed in between those albums. If you're already perfect then you couldn't possibly make a CD that's better than the one before.
I thank God for my imperfections. I have made, I do make, and I will make a lot of mistakes. But that just makes me know better next time. I'm thankful when I mess up drumming at church because I know there's much more to learn. I'm thankful even when I may begin to stray away from God because He calls me back to Him every time, and it only strengthens my relationship with Him when I see the light again. I am glad when I am proven wrong as it serves as a reminder to the limits of my knowledge.
I guess the simple point here would be that we are not perfect... at all. But we have a model we can follow – the righteous one. Our God is a great and perfect God, and I give thanks that our imperfections allow us to strive to be like the best every day.
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