Dooo doo dooo dooo doo.

What's not to love about you? Heaven and earth adore you! Kings and kingdoms bow down.. Son of God You are the One... YOU ARE THE ONE! We're living for..... boom boom boom. We will sing sing sing!

I honestly have no idea why I typed that out, it was just sort of stuck in my head. ahaha.

But yes, time for more blogging madness!

I got the random notion to write today because of an odd habit I began establishing. I watched an animation-drama type of a short movie a while ago, and in the movie there was a guy who had lost a very close child friend of his - he moves away and his friend has to stay. Now fast forward into the future about 10~12 years and he texts all of his thoughts to no one, but they are actually him 'talking' to his childhood friend. Kind of creepy? Perhaps. But my phone has a nifty 'Notes' feature which I have been using for the same purpose... Just kind of keeping track of random reflections. I date the thoughts and read it from time to time (mostly when I'm in the restroom ;]). It's really starting to build up, so I thought I should take a moment to really gather my thoughts.

I think I started writing it to myself.. kind of a diary thing. But I realize that a lot of times I'm 'talking' to myself or writing things like these, I might actually be talking to my mom. I think it really started at the funeral. The shock of it hadn't really hit me at all for a while since I was so young. But I think after a few hours I really began to understand what death meant, and it's.. one way-ness. I kind of went into a small room reserved for family members, put my hand up in the air and said "I'm gonna do my best mom". Rather dramatic for a little child, but hey! it's in my Korean blood ahaha. I think that was my way of praying to God. I probably had no idea I was saying at the moment, but I think the presence of God deep inside of me (from the seed that was planted through going to church with mom) helped me to know that it was going to be alright. Now why is this all relevant to how I started?!

Well, it's because a lot of the 'reflections' I wrote down in my phone aren't too happy. A lot of them are just flat out depressing and full of dramatic-ness. But instead of reflecting back on it and feeling pity for myself, this is what I feel; God never places more burdens in my life than I can handle. Everything He provides in my life shapes me as a person that He wants me to be; it gives me opportunities to grow. Maybe I wonder what would've happened to my life and where I would be if my mom was still alive and if my dad had never married that pathetic excuse of a human being (forgive me God). But I'm happy to have come this far in my faith. I'm blessed to have the church and just every single person in my life. Without 'burdens' or the hard times in my life, I would not be where I am today. I mean, sure there are a lot of things I can complain about my life now. But nothing could replace the love God has placed in my life.

So you know what?? I don't exactly know what everything in my life means. But I know that God leads my life in the best way possible, and that I have to trust in Him. I'm gonna let go of all the sadness and the hatred and whatever feelings I have inside me, and try and learn to trust God. Of course it's going to be hard.. I think we all try and fail from time to time. But I know that God is always there and that I can pray to him to keep me from falling apart.

I also realized something as I was writing this. I really really really blow at collecting my thoughts. I hope this made sense because I'd love to reflect back on this thing. Hahaha :]

And here's a song I wish I would have found a long time ago.



Thank you Jesus.
I miss you mom.